Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
