Moan for me like Helen Keller
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
