I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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