I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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