i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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