He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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