I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
