im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
