I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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