I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
