I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
