who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
