Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
