I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
