mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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