fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i love accidental penises.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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