Even the bartender felt bad for me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
