when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So many bounce houses so little time
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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