Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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