good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm getting married
To pizza
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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