What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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