i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
