Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
