Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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