I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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