dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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