im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
