remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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