Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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