If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
