omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
