If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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