and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just gift wrapped bread.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
