living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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