I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize