i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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