Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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