We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
