What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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