I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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