found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
did i walk over a car last night?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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