and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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