I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
