i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
