I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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