Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
you made out with another girl for some wings
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
