If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
