my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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