i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
