Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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