I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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