Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
