I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
