I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
