Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
