I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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