i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
