He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
