At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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