I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
